


A Sense of Closure

by jillc



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, General
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:38:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3366347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillc/pseuds/jillc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Immediately after Arthur's death Merlin hangs around Avalon and an old friend visits him. Back in Camelot Gwen and Gaius worry about Merlin, and Gwen decides to send the Knights to try and find him and bring him back to Camelot. This story has sadness as well as plenty of friendship in it, and I hope a sense of closure as the title suggests.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin stretched his aching limbs as the sun rose above the lake, for the start of a new day. He had now stopped counting how long he’d been here at the side of the lake. Ever since Arthur’s death it was as if his body and mind were in paralysis. He had attempted to leave the lake once in a while, but something always stopped him.

It might be the cold sweat that would suddenly run down his face and into his eyes, making them sting so much he was unable to see where he was going. If not that, there would be the images that haunted his mind, flashing through at breakneck speed. He remembered the ending of his friend’s life, as he lay there in Merlin’s arms, while the sorcerer screamed for Kilgharrah. 

Every now and then he would see others in those nightmares. Morgana, Freya, his friends back in Camelot, his mother and father. When that happened he could do little but force himself to suffer until the images would eventually die away, and he would gradually steal a couple of hours sleep. The next morning he would wake feeling ravenous and yet not being bothered enough to actually look for food. He would sit there his face resting on his knees as he watched the ripples on the lake, beginning to calm him.

On his better days Merlin would attempt to leave and return to Camelot. But just as he was about to gather his courage to try, something would happen and before he knew it the malaise of his mind would take a hold all over again. So he would tell himself, tomorrow I will try again tomorrow, knowing that day would end just the same as this one had.

Whenever he was caught in this somber mood, the lake would often seem a lonely and forbidding place, as if mocking his current frame of mind, and despair would be deep and encompassing. But there were other days when his mind was sunnier his thoughts clearer, that he would gauge an inner sense of tranquility by being there. He would watch the way the current rose in the water, and sit there waiting for the ripples to appear and he’d count them. Then he would feel happy and contented.

On those days he would feel near to Arthur and Freya, he knew there was nowhere else he’d rather be on those days. He would breathe in the fresh air around him, listen to the sounds of nature, and sit connecting to the currents of magic across the lake that would vibe with his own, making feel safe and secure.

He knew deep down he should have returned to Camelot by now. He knew Gaius would be worrying and fretting. He knew he should off by now spoken to Guinevere, it was the least she deserved, but something always got in the way. He closed his eyes as he attempted to block out the negative thoughts that were threatening to overcome him once again. How he longed for the night where he could merge into the scenery and become invisible. But there was a few hours left of daylight yet, and Merlin knew he must fight the familiar feeling of gloom that was threatening to overcome him. It was  
then that he saw it, a ripple on the water he watched it fascinated as it began to increase its speed and movement. The ripple had started from the centre of the lake, and suddenly Merlin felt his eyes, drawn there once again.

The ripple became a whirling mass, as if a wind had started to develop. Leaves begun to fall into the lake, and he could feel a force around him. His magic was suddenly connecting, leaving him at once breathless. Yet once he’d overcome the initial shock, a feeling of warmth and calmness descended on him making him close his eyes, his fingers reached out in front of him. He felt as if he was on the air, all was well with the world. A smile played onto his lips. It lasted for a few seconds, even though he could still feel the magic, the force had stopped. He opened his eyes slowly and the scene took his breath away.

He had no idea how long he’d been standing there looking at her, she was so beautiful, and everything that he had remembered about her was still there. Her gorgeous dark hair; her playful eyes that bored into his soul. He stood there as if suspended by time and space.

“Freya.” he whispered, tears in his eyes as he saw her move towards him.

“Hello Merlin.” she smiled. “What are you waiting for?”

Suddenly Merlin was running into the lake, the water crashed off him as he awkwardly attempted to stay upright and balanced. Just before he reached her she held her hands out he took them. Only in this moment when he touched her did he realize that this was really happening, that it wasn’t one of his empty dreams.

“Lovely Freya.” he smiled his eyes wild and shiny as he took her in. Suddenly he could feel her arms around his neck and there was no space between them as their lips touched and what started off as a gentle kiss, started to become something more.

For so long he had wanted just one more embrace, and now as if by magic it was actually happening. He swore he’d make the most of every minute, if this was to be the last time, then this would be the moment he would most remember. 

Camelot

The meeting with the lords had broken up, and once more Guinevere was alone. She closed her eyes trying to block out the last hour she had spent arguing with one of them over something as unimportant as a cancelled dance. The lords liked their social events as Guinevere was beginning to appreciate, much to her frustration. 

There were so many things that she felt were more important. She felt suddenly despondent at where her fighting spirit had disappeared to lately. She left the throne room, suddenly longing for some time in her own quarters after such an annoying meeting.

She sat down at her desk and something caught her eye. It was a pretty shinny bracelet that was caught between a two parchments. She picked it up and looked at it a feeling of emotion not far away; as she remembered the day Arthur had given it to her.

It had been a special day, and suddenly she was cast back in time. She remembered his smile, the sunlight that shone through the window and her delight when she put it around her wrist and admired it. For a couple of minutes she was overcome with the a feeling of intense happiness, then suddenly before she knew it the feeling ended, and she found herself back alone in her quarters and for a while she didn’t know what to do.

She continued to hold the bracelet in her hands, turning it over and over watching the way the stones caught the light, as she did so. It made her think back to the day that her present life had begun. It had been almost a year now since Arthur had died. She could still remember the shocking finality of the moment when Percival arrived back with Arthur’s ring. In that moment she knew her beloved husband was no more. It had changed her life in more ways that she could ever have imagined.

While it was true that she had already begun to rule Camelot when Arthur would go away on his patrols, at least she knew then that he would return to her when he arrived back. But now she had been forced to confront both the loneliness and the responsibility of her new role as Camelot’s lone ruler. 

She was determined to do her best, and it went without saying that she had wonderful support from Gaius and the Knights, not to mention the ordinary people of Camelot who had taken their young widowed Queen to their hearts. 

But there was also the other side of it as well. It was a side which consisted of petty fights for power which broke out between certain Lords of the Court. It seemed the moment Guinevere’s back was turned someone somewhere was trying to take advantage. In one incident Leon had almost ended up thumping a Lord who had rudely complained of how long it took for decisions to be made in Court now. 

Guinevere at such times would try not to take it to heart, she would try and rationalize this was just people testing her. But at night when she was alone she would find that suddenly her rational thoughts would go out of the window, as she went through every decision she had made in her mind, over and over again. It would result in her beginning to doubt herself, even though the people around her assured her she had done the correct thing.

She knew had Arthur been there at her side, these incidents would not occur. She sensed that some of the Lords viewed her as weak and indecisive. It was true that sometimes she would take her time. But that was only because she would look at both sides of the problem, and make sure she made the right choice. She knew the moment that she made a major error; her rivals would come out of the shadows and make the most of any misdemeanor.

She was happy with the group she’d surrounded herself with; Gaius was proving to be a loyal and supportive friend giving her invaluable advice, especially on magical matters. The Knights led by Leon were wonderfully supportive prepared to move in whenever it was required. One face though was missing, and it dominated them all.

Whenever Guinevere spoke to Gaius his presence was always there about them. Sometimes she only had to look at the old man’s face to know how worried he was. Guinevere too worried about him, especially as she had learnt the whole truth from Gaius about Merlin. She had learnt all about her friend, the warlock; the dragon lord and the sorcerer. There was so much she wanted to ask him, but since a year of Arthur’s death, Merlin had not been sighted.

Every now and then Guinevere would send the Knight out to look for him, but they could never find a trace. Guinevere knew deep in her heart that it was because he didn’t want to be found. It made her feel as if somehow she’d failed him both before and now. She so wanted to put that right, especially now as magic was being reintroduced into Camelot. She knew reluctantly that she would have to wait until Merlin was ready to face the world again.

But there was one unsaid fear that Guinevere and Gaius had and that was the idea that he may never want to be found. Closing her eyes she blocked out the thought, she would not let that happen, it was the least she owed him.

There was a knock on the door, Guinevere turned to find her new maid Sian walking in with a fresh bowl of fruit.

“This is compliments of Audrey my lady. It is fresh in today.” Sian smiled and curtsied. 

“Thank you Sian.” Guinevere smiled back. “Please thank Audrey for me. Have you settled in Sian?”

“Oh yes my lady everyone is very kind.” Sian replied.

“That’s good to hear, your father would be very proud of you.” Guinevere said thinking of how sad the news had made her that Sian’s father Peter had died. He had been a close friend of Tom Guinevere’s father.

“Thank you.” Sian said. “Is there anything else that you would like my lady?”

“No thank you Sian. I might have a rest for a time, if you can wake me up in a couple of hours please.” 

“I will of course my lady.” Sian curtsied and closed the door behind her.

As Guinevere looked about her she knew there was nothing that desperately needed doing. So she decided to take advantage of the situation. She realized she had taken a momentous decision in allowing magic to be introduced into Camelot again, but some of the meetings had proved wild and contentious, as some of the Lords had objected. But having spoken it through with Gaius, she was determined her way would prevail, and so she had pushed it through.

Eventually people began to reconsider their former views on magic, and she sensed that the tide was slowly turning in her favour. But it had taken a lot of effort on her part, both physically and mentally, she suddenly felt twice her age. She kicked her shoes off and sat down on the bed, but a knock on her door made her hastily stand up.

“Come in.” she called slipping her shoes back on.

Gaius shuffled in. Noticing Guinevere still putting her shoes back on he looked awkwardly at her. “I’m sorry; I can come back later if you want.”

“No it is always a pleasure to see you Gaius.” Guinevere smiled pointed at a chair. “Sit down please.”

Gaius sat down carefully, his hand holding both sides of the chair. Guinevere looked at him worriedly. Gaius had definitely aged a lot in the last year. His face was well lined, his hair receding more, but it was his lack of easy movement that really concerned her. He did his best to play it down and make a joke about his predicament.

“My creaky bones are giving me problems today.” He smiled.

“Guinevere smiled sympathetically. “Is there something on your mind Gaius?”

“Oh it is just the usual.” Gaius sighed. “I was wondering. “

“You were wondering if I could send the Knights out to search for Merlin?” Guinevere finished the sentence for him.

“I sound like a silly old man I suppose.” Gaius smiled sadly. “I know he’s a grown man and has his own life, but I just want to know he is okay.”

Guinevere gently touched his arm. “We would all like to know that Gaius.” she smiled. “The Knights are due to go out on patrol in a couple of days in that area. I will ask then to check the place again. You never know he may have left some clues this time.”

“Let’s hope so, but he can be very stubborn.” Gaius admitted.

“He just needs to be ready. I know when I lost Arthur I felt the same; I wanted to hide myself away from people. I just wanted to be alone for a while.”

“Arthur would be very proud of the job you’ve done Guinevere.” Gaius remarked. “It is a very brave decision that you took. I never thought I would be lucky enough to see magic freely used in the lower town again.”

“I know, but I really feel people are coming round to it now, they can see that there is no reason to fear it.” Guinevere admitted.

“Yes indeed. That was always Uther’s problem he feared what he felt he could not control. I’m so happy you are different. I saw the Druids the other week; some are even talking of moving to Camelot now that is a big moment.”

“I feel it is important that everyone in Camelot should feel at ease here Gaius. For too long the Druids have lived out on the fringes, it is time to open up our communities to them now.” Guinevere said.

“They are very pleased with you.” Gaius smiled. “That is the sad thing Merlin would thrive here now, everything he has ever wanted is here now in Camelot. Magic is freely being used, everyone has come together. Everything him and Arthur worked towards has now happened. A large part of that is thanks to you.”

“Arthur and Merlin did the most important bit. They set the ground work, all I did was to let it happen, and a lot of that credit should go to you too.” 

“I think you underestimate your own worth there Guinevere.” Gaius said a stern look on his face.

Guinevere reached forward taking Gaius’s hand.

“We did it together Gaius, and this is how it must continue.”

“How did the last meeting go?” Gaius asked.

Guinevere made a face. “The same people dragging their feet. But we have the support of the majority now, and they are determined to push everything through now.”

“That’s good news then.” Gaius said, stifling a yawn. “I suppose I best go and do my potions for tomorrow.”

“I meant to ask how Gareth is doing.” Guinevere asked.

“Oh he is very keen, very quick brained; he tires me out in truth. A quick learner though. I would guess he will be doing my job by the end of the week.”

Guinevere laughed. “I hardly think so Gaius, I’m glad he’s been of use to you.”

“He certainly has.” Gaius smiled. “It stops me from fretting about Merlin all the time, though at times he reminds me of him too.”

“I thought that the day I met him.” Guinevere remarked. “Anyway take care, don’t over tire yourself now you have someone helping you.”

“I won’t I don’t get the chance anyway.”

The door closed softly behind Gaius, leaving Guinevere thinking of the older days when she was a servant. How her life had changed, as she lay down she wondered what on earth the next few years would bring.

The Lake of Avalon.

They had sat together on some rocks watching the water, having spent their hours hungrily rediscovering one another. Merlin could barley believe he was back with Freya. It was only the fact that she was sat next to him their finger intertwined that he knew she was actually real.

“What are you thinking?” she smiled at him a tender look on her face.

“I can barely believe you are real.” Merlin smiled touching her nose with a finger.

“Even after the hours we’ve just spent?” she asked a glint in her eye.

Merlin laughed blushing. “I think I may have overdone it.” 

“It was good to see you come out of yourself Merlin. I’ve been watching you for a long time now.” Freya said.

“What do you mean?” he asked his face clouding over.

“There is a reason as to why I am here Merlin.” Freya said taking his hand. “You have mourned enough for all that you have lost. It is time for you to live your life again.”

“But I like staying here.” Merlin said. “I feel close to you and Arthur.”

“Oh Merlin even if you go from here, you will still be close to us. Both Arthur and me are part of you; we’ll never be far away. But you have a life still to lead; you must use this time to take advantage of it.”

“But I’ve got to wait for Arthur.” Merlin said feeling distressed. “The Big Dragon said.”

“Merlin I promise you when the time has come for Arthur to raise you will know. But until then you must live your life. You must go back to Camelot; you will find it a much changed place.” Freya smiled mysteriously.

“What do you mean?” Merlin asked puzzled.

“That is for you to find out.” Freya smiled.

“I can’t go back to Camelot. I failed to save Arthur, thanks to me Guinevere is a widow how can I face her?”

“You will face her because you have too. She is stronger than you think; you need to be with your friends. They miss you.”

Before he knew it tears began to run down his face. For over a year he had stayed away from Camelot trying to hide his shame. His failure, he could not of imagined that any of them would of wanted to see him again. 

“I failed them Freya it was my destiny to protect Arthur.” he said wiping away his tears.

“Merlin you did not fail at all. That is why you must go to Camelot and see for yourself.”

Freya now stood up holding both of Merlin’s hands; she reached up softly kissing his lips, sending her soft vibes into his.

Suddenly a feeling of serenity overcame Merlin and he smiled softly at her bringing his face into hers, wanting to smell her scent and become one with her again. He could hear a laugh in Freya’s throat as she led him over to the side of the lake, and they lay down again together their bodies becoming one.

To be continued


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin makes his mind up to return to Camelot, but is still very worried as to people's reaction to him. Once he gets near to the citadel he suddenly finds it a much changed place.

Lake of Avalon

The sun was high in the sky as Merlin awoke from a long and contented sleep. As he slowly opened his eyes, a smile curved on his face. He took a couple of seconds to look around him. The lake in front of him was still now, calm and serene. As he came properly to he thought back to his time with Freya.

Even now he could hardly believe the time he’d spent with her. He could still sense her perfume in the air. While he would have loved to have stayed here, drinking it all in, he knew now was the time for him to leave. For the first time he actually felt ready for it. He realised that hanging around the lake would not bring Arthur back to him any sooner. Also would Arthur would really want him lying about mourning him endlessly?

Suddenly he was intrigued to venture outside again, to begin to try and live a new life. It may be in Camelot, maybe somewhere else, but he knew he must at least return there and see his friends. He knew it would not be easy for him, despite Freya’s words he would always blame himself for Arthur’s death. He knew he had made mistakes which had led up to it.

A sudden feel of melancholy took him over as he vaguely remembered Arthur‘s sad ending. Taking him by surprise, suddenly a burst of positive feelings unleashed inside his mind, it was as if all his blackest thoughts had been blocked out of his vision. He closed his eyes for a second making the most of this happy feeling. When he opened them again his mind was made up.

He went back to pick up the few belongings he still had, and put them into his bag. He decided to have one last look across the lake that had been his home for the last year. To anyone else it would just seem a normal lake with pretty bushes and trees overhanging it. But to Merlin it was his spiritual Mecca, his special home and he made the most of it as the magical vibes from the lake continued to mingle with his own. 

Then he turned around and began to walk away. One day he would return when Arthur had risen again and he was needed at this friend’s side. But now he knew the time had come for him to embrace his life here and now. Within a few minutes he had left.

Camelot

“Come on Gwaine we are waiting for you.” Leon said rolling his eyes.

“Okay I’m coming.” Gwaine assured him as he shuffled across the court yard to his waiting horse. 

As the other Knights sniggered at their friend’s attempt to hurry, as he almost slipped over again, Leon tutted into his cape. Gwaine as ever had been last out of the Tavern and Leon was tired about telling him, that the late nights were not helping his performances next morning.

“I know exactly what you are thinking Leon.” Gwaine said turning to him with a grin. “But I will be fine once I get up on this horse.”

Leon nodded grinning despite himself, he was anxious to get on with the latest patrol particularly as they were to take a detour and search for Merlin. As he watched Gwaine hurl himself on to his stallion, he checked everyone else was ready, and urged his horse onwards. Before long they had thundered across the drawbridge and out into the countryside.

They rode on eastwards, the sun was high in the sky the ground dry making the horses run faster. Leon hoped that inside a few hours they would be in the area they need to be, so that they could spend the rest of the day searching before leaving on their official patrol.

He was anxious to bring back some good news to Camelot. Everyone was worried about Merlin and where he had disappeared to. It wasn’t like him to do something like this, and Leon still struggled to understand. But he also realised that the Merlin they were searching for now, was a very different one to whom they had all known in Camelot. Or thought they’d known.

When Guinevere had told Leon about Merlin’s true identity, it had stunned the Knight. Merlin a sorcerer, a man who could control dragons, a mighty warlock. Somehow it different register with the sometimes shy man that he knew when Arthur was with them. Leon knew though that magic was not evil in itself, he after all had benefited from it when the Druids had brought him back from the brink of death. He still could barely believe that the Merlin he knew could be capable of doing anyone any harm. 

But it seemed they had all underestimated him, and suddenly Leon was keen to speak to him and understand him fully. He couldn’t even begin to understand how lonely it must have been for him, being a sorcerer in the heart of Camelot in Uther’s time. Knowing that being discovered would lead to him being burnt on the pyre. Yet all the time as Guinevere had pointed out to him he had been protecting them all, despite the risks to himself.

He had felt a tremendous need to thank him, it was the least he owed him after all. They had all at times taken him for granted, without realising the debt they actually owed to him. That was a wrong that had to be righted in Leon’s view. Now that magic flowed inside Camelot Leon was truly coming to realise just how wrong they had been throughout Uther’s reign. He felt great shame when he had taken part and killed people whose only crime was to be born with magic. While he knew some had deserved punishment, he also knew that many had lost their lives who should not have.

Realising they had just arrived in the outskirts of Avalon, he put his hand up and suggested that they give the horse a short break, and had something to drink themselves. The hot sunny day, was making him exhausted never mind his faithful old stallion.

Leon told a couple of the junior Knights to take the horses for a drink, and he pointed to Percival and Gwaine to join him in a short rest.

“We are nearby.” Leon said looking around.

“It is like looking for a needle in a haystack though.” Percival pointed out.

“We have to find him though. He belongs back in Camelot with his friends.” Gwaine said a worried frown on his face.

“He was in a really bad state when I saw him that day. I always knew it would take him a while to get over it.” Percival mused.

“I can understand that, he has been forced to hide a lot in his years with us. It must seem very strange to him now.” Leon pointed out.

“He was a shadow of his former self. He kept blaming himself for what had happened to Arthur. I couldn’t get any sense out of him. It was like he had convinced himself he wouldn’t be welcome back in Camelot.” Percival said sadly.

“Merlin not welcome, he really doesn’t know us that well does he?” Gwaine asked.

Percival and Leon just looked at Gwaine, knowing that that was true for them all now. Somehow that had to be put right.

Merlin was already beginning to feel tired. He suddenly realised that having hardly moved in the last year his conditioning was not the best. Already he was starting to feel blisters on his feet, giving him pain and discomfort. He found somewhere to sit down, taking a drink to refresh him. 

He slipped his shoes off his feet, as he stared at the ugly blister appearing on the sole of his foot. He closed his eyes trying to remember the healing spell in the old book. At first he struggled too, despairing at how much he’d actually forgotten already. But suddenly it came to him.

“Purhhaele licsar min.” he whispered, suddenly the blister had all but disappeared. He smiled at the relief. He repeated the spell on his other foot, pleased at last to be pain free. Frowning he knew he needed to get a horse from somewhere, he still had a long journey ahead.

As he travelled deeper into the forest, he enjoyed listening to the sounds that sang around him. The birds that sang from the trees, the soft humming of the crickets in the bushes. The Dragonflies that flew around his head. In his self-exiled world, he had missed such natural creatures. Suddenly it felt good to be back into the land of the living again.

As he walked the odd memory stalked with him. The path was the one he had taken Arthur down. Yet all of a sudden he didn’t feel too bad, it was as if he was at last coming to terms with what had happened to his friend. He was would always blame himself to an extent he realised it was in his nature, as much as his magic was. But now he was reluctantly coming the conclusion that somehow this was how it had to be.

He frowned as he remembered Arthur’s last words about him always being himself. For a second the sentence confused him. What was himself he wondered? He had spent so much of his time not being himself, hiding away that suddenly it was hard to remember who he actually was at all. He realised that once he was back in Camelot it would be strange for everyone. The Merlin they thought they had known, was actually someone entirely different, even though to himself he was still the same.

He sighed as he thought of his friends. He was still nervous about how they would react to him coming back suddenly. Guinevere in particular she would be the lone Queen and he had stayed away, when she had probably needed his help. He wondered how she’d react to him suddenly turning up like this? Could he expect her to understand why he had to all intents and purposes deserted her? 

As he thought back to the time that they were both servants, both serving the Pendragons he remembered the time when Guinevere had been there for him, he was suddenly nervous that now she was Queen that it would mean that things could no longer be the same between them. 

As he walked on, he heard a noise looking ahead he noticed two men. They were on horseback, the second one pulling a brown mare behind him. They all eyed each other suspiciously for a second before Merlin realising that this could be a lucky break for him.

“Excuse me is there something the matter with the horse?” Merlin asked smiling.

“She’s useless once we reach our village we will put her down.” the first man said. 

“What’s the matter with her?” Merlin asked curiously.

“She is lame, can’t you see?” the second man replied rolling his eyes.

Merlin ignored his sarcasm, and looking at the horse decided to stand his ground.

“I have some coins here, I will pay you for it.” he offered holding a couple of coins to the man.

“You are offering to pay for a lame horse?” the first man laughed. “Well who are we to stop you from your own stupidity.” 

Merlin put the coins in his hand, and took the horse from him.

“Best of luck with the nag, you are going to need it.” he laughed as the two men rode away.

Merlin watched until they became dots on the horizon, then he gently led the horse over to a clearing and let her drink from a little stream. While he was no horse expert he suspected that the horse was not lame at all. As she drank he walked around her, feeling her legs softly with his fingers. As he took hold of her left back leg, she gave a snort, and suddenly Merlin saw a deep gash there.

“Easy, easy.” he whispered. “It appears that they missed this, now lets see if we can do something about this.” As the horse remained drinking Merlin gathered some leaves of comfrey and gently put it around the cut, and closing his eyes whispered a spell. He sat down for a few minutes making sure that any pain the horse felt was being absorbed by the leaves.

Eventually he pulled them away, the wound looked clean now although not entirely cured, he could sense the worst of the pain had now disappeared and the horse wagged its tail as if thanking him. He patted the horse, checking over the old saddle on her back. It seemed relatively solid, and after giving the horse a few more minutes rest, he carefully put his foot in the stirrup and hurled himself onto her.  
The horse seemed happy, so he carefully urged her forward. He kept going at an easy pace to start with, checking up on the horses reactions to him. She seemed totally at ease now, so he encouraged her into a little trot. Before long they began to run, Merlin suddenly realising just how long it had been seen he had ridden properly. But after nearly falling, he soon got into a comfortable rhythm. 

Then they were galloping through the forest everything suddenly a blur. It felt good to be back riding around, Merlin had forgotten just how good riding could sometimes be. The wind in his hair, feeling as if he had no worries suddenly. It was different to the endless riding around that Arthur insisted on, when going on one of his quests.

As the forest began to come to its natural end, Merlin suddenly he realised he was near to Camelot now. Before long he would see the white towers soon, he wondered suddenly how he would feel after all this time. Yet just as he thought about it, his magical senses suddenly began to react to something. There was something out there that was calling out to his powers.

He jumped from the horse and walked over up the hill, from which he would soon be able to see his former home. Tears formed in his eyes at he saw the majestic towers come into view. Even now the emotion still overcame him whenever he saw them. So many memories suddenly played into his mind now. Each one falling over another one, until they became a mass of images forming in his mind.

He sat down trying to make some sense about what was going on. Where was the magic coming from he wondered, up here it was so strong, calling to him wildly. It was only as he sat there he worked it out, it was coming from Camelot itself. He breathed in suddenly remembering Freya’s words. “You will find Camelot a much changed place.” she had told him. But never in his wildest dreams had he imagined this.

The world that he and Arthur had dedicated their lives to was now a reality magic was back at the heart of Camelot. Suddenly tears fell down Merlin’s face as he took it all in, if only Arthur was here too see it as well. If only he’d had the chance to show him how magic could enrich a communities life.

All of a sudden his fears had left him, he had to get down there and experience it all for himself. He led his horse down the hill and onto the main road leading to the castle. Everywhere was alive, people selling their wears, it reminded him of that first day that he arrived in Camelot. How wondrous the place had seemed to his then young eyes. Yet now too he had the same emotion. 

The colour, the life but most of all the magic that flowed around the streets. Ordinary people watching people with magic, without fear in their eyes, accepting them for who they were. He laughed as he took in the scene. As he turned towards the drawbridge he could see a old man holding a group of children spellbound as they watched a couple of puppets, move across the air as if on invisible wings. Like the children, Merlin watched the sight in wonder. It was almost as if he was a child all over again. He applauded with the children, catching a smile from the old man.

Merlin took a deep breath as he looked at the draw bridge up ahead, this was the big moment he realised. He hoped that his courage would not desert him now, as he slowly led his horse down the road and towards the castle. He kept his head down not wanting to cause any unnecessary fuss. He slowly crossed the bridge his eyes looking straight on, taking nervous gulps as he did so.  
Suddenly he was back in the court yard. Looking around the place seemed totally unchanged from what he remembered. A shout echoed across the yard and he realised some one was yelling at him. 

He waited anxiously as the young Knight came over to him eyeing him suspiciously.

“What is your business here?” the young Knight asked.

For a second Merlin wasn’t quite sure how to react.

“Business?” he asked nervously.

“What are you doing here?” the Knight repeated.

As Merlin looked at the Knight he realised he hadn’t seen him before. Guinevere had obviously gained new Knights, who probably hadn’t a clue about him.

“I’m Merlin.” he replied quietly. “I use to live here.”

“Merlin?” the man’s harsh expression immediately disappeared. “They’ve been looking for you for ages. Wait till I tell them. My name is Gareth by the way.”

“Hello Gareth pleased to meet you. Can you take my horse?” Merlin asked.

Gareth signalled to someone to take Merlin’s horse from him.

“I can’t believe you are back here Merlin.” Gareth said escorting him across the yard.

“There have been many changes I see.” Merlin smiled . “I hardly recognised the place.”

“Yes I would say most of those changes have happened because of you.” Gareth beamed.

“Me?” Merlin asked stunned.

“Yes of course the Queen was most anxious to bring magic back to Camelot once she worked it all out.”

Merlin smiled, that was very Guinevere somehow, he had little doubt that she would eventually work it out. What he hadn’t taken into account was the fact that she would bring magic back. He suddenly realised just how much had changed in the world that he’d left behind.

All of a sudden though he stopped thinking as he recognised two figures who were running across the court yard towards him. Tears began to prick his eyes but before he had a chance to stop them he was in the middle of a warm embrace. He had no idea how long they had hugged each other there in the public glare.

“Hello Merlin welcome back.” Guinevere smiled at him, letting him go eventually.

“It is good to see you again.” Merlin smiled through his tears. “Gaius.”

“My boy.” Gaius said before he threw his arms around his ward’s neck weeping into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, I’ve left it this long.” he apologised to both of them.

“There will be plenty of time to talk in the days ahead. Lets go inside, I imagine you could do with some food.” Guinevere smiled.

“Yes I am rather hungary.” Merlin admitted his arm linked through Gaius’s.

As the three of them climbed the steps up to the citadel a crowd had gathered watching them go. The warlock was back it seemed, suddenly Camelot was in awe.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is now back in Camelot and finally. This chapter is about how everyone reacts to Merlin being back, and also to the fact that he is a mighty Sorcerer. There is a lot of bonding between all of the characters especially Merlin and Gaius.

Merlin was relieved to be sitting down in the throne room away from the gaping eyes of people out in the court yard. His mood was seriously emotional as he starred at Gaius and Guinevere.

He held his hand up. “I’m sorry I should have been back before. I just found it hard to.” he began.

“Merlin I think first you need some rest and something to eat. There’s a lot I’d like to ask you, but that can wait for another day. I’m sure that Gaius here has plenty to ask you himself.” Guinevere smiled at Gaius, who whispered thanks to her.

“Thank you my lady.” he bowed.

“While we are together we can cut out the formalities, we’ve all known each other for a long time now.” Guinevere said.

Thank you my Lady.” Merlin began “I mean thank you Gwen.”

Guinevere laughed. “Old habits die hard.”

“I feel there is something I need to tell you first, about myself.” Merlin said. “I’m a-”

“Sorcerer, yes I know that Merlin.” Guinevere said finishing his sentence, as if he‘d asked her how she was.

“How did you know?” Merlin asked looking up at Gaius. “Did you?”

“Guinevere worked it out Merlin.” Gaius laughed. “Did you not sense the magic outside then?”

“Of course I did.” Merlin admitted suddenly feeling strange. “There is magic in Camelot now, you brought it back.”

Guinevere smiled at Merlin‘s wide eyed expression. “It is all because of you.”

“Me?” Merlin astonished.

“Well you and Arthur. I’ll tell you something you probably don’t know. When Uther was stabbed before he died, Arthur told me he was going to use magic to cure his father. He used an old sorcerer.” Guinevere looked at Merlin and saw his eyes cloud over. “I take it that was you?”

“Yes, I thought by doing that Arthur would realize that not all magic was evil. But Morgana reversed the spell I used and it killed him. I thought that was the last chance I would ever have to show Arthur that magic can also be for the good.”

“Once I worked that out, I knew that myself.” Guinevere said taking hold of his hand. “I realised that we had allowed Morgana to scare us about magic, like Uther we only saw the negative we feared what we could not control. Once I found out about you and everything that you’d done, I knew there was only one thing I could do.”

“It can’t have been easy.” Merlin remarked. “The Lords of the court I mean.”

“It has taken a lot of dedicated work from her.” Gaius remarked.

“It has taken a lot of hard from a lot of people, you as well Gaius.” Guinevere said. 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t have brought him back to you.” Merlin apologised a tear slipping from his eye.

“I know you did everything you could, that is all I could ask. He is at peace now?” she asked.

“He rests in a beautiful lake, one day I will take you there, when you feel ready.” Merlin promised.

“I will hold you to that.” Guinevere smiled. “Why don’t you two go back to your chambers I’m sure there is a lot you need to say to each other.”

Merlin nodded slowly getting up and feeling incredibly tired all of a sudden,.

“I thought you’d be angry with me.” he said.

“Merlin do you know me so little?” Guinevere exclaimed. Then she took him in a sincere hug. “I always knew there was something different about you.”

“You were the one person who guessed about me.” Merlin smiled.

“I just wish you could have told me.” Guinevere said sadly. “It must have been very lonely.”

“I wish I could have as well. I will tell you everything tomorrow I promise.” Merlin said from the door.

Guinevere nodded once the door closed she turned and looked out over the court yard, her mind in turmoil suddenly. She had always wanted to know about Arthur’s final moments, but now it was here she wondered if she had the courage for it. Closing her eyes she vowed she would stay strong it was something she needed to know, so she could get her closure and live on with her life. 

*****

As Merlin closed the door and looked around Gaius’s chambers he felt as if he was home. So little had changed, a little bit more order maybe the benches seemed a bit more tidy. But the whole feel of the room was so familiar to him, that he felt immediately at peace with the place. He noticed two places laid at the table.

“You were expecting someone?” he asked pointing at the table.

“Oh that is my apprentice, I’m afraid I had to take on someone to help me with the potions. I’m getting very slow and awkward now.”

“What is he like this apprentice?” Merlin asked suddenly intrigued.

“A lot like you were when you first arrived in Camelot.” Gaius said. “I dare say you will meet him at some stage, his timekeeping is as good as yours, so I wouldn’t like to say when!”

“Is he in my room?” Merlin asked suddenly nervous.

“Good God no, I wouldn’t let anyone in that room. That is your room, it’s been left untouched.” Gaius smiled.

Merlin suddenly felt touched, he could feel emotion in his eyes.

“Thank you Gaius, that is good to know. It is probably more than I deserve.”

“That is nonsense my boy.” Gaius replied. “Let me warm up some stew then we can sit down and have a chat.”

“That’ll be nice.” Merlin smiled. “I’ll go and put my bag in the room.”

Gaius smiled as he watched Merlin walk up the steps into his old room, suddenly he felt intensely happy. There were times when Gaius wondered if Merlin would ever come back. The longer it went on the more he worried. Only a little spark at the back of his mind continued to make him believe that one day he would have Merlin back with him. Now he was, he was determined he help him over Arthur’s loss and to set him onto his next bit of life.  
*******  
Merlin sat down on the bed and had a good look around. As Gaius had said nothing had been touched, everything was as he remembered the last time he had been here. It felt somehow strange to be back in Camelot now. It felt even stranger with magic whirling off every street corner.

Even now sitting on his bed he could sense it outside, calling to him. It made him both ecstatic but also sad, because of the price that had, had to be paid to make it happen. Arthur was no more, and somehow he would have to make a new life for himself knowing that. He would do everything he could to help Guinevere, for he knew even with Morgana dead, there would still be people who would use magic in the wrong way.

But for now he contented himself that he could at least have some solitary time to himself. He was sure Gaius would understand his need for that on occasion. He knew there were so many meetings with his friends yet to happen. As he thought of that Gwaine came into his mind, he smiled. He had missed his friends it would be good to meet up again and also the other Knights.

He just hoped that they would be as welcoming as Guinevere had. It wasn’t that he was afraid of the reaction. He still blamed himself after all, and part of him always would. But it was the idea that suddenly they would see him differently. If he was too stay in Camelot he knew he needed them to accept him as he was. Merlin felt no different in truth, as he’d told Arthur he was still the same person, and he was desperate that his friends should understand that too. He did not want ceremony or treating him like a god, he was still Merlin the person he’d been from the day he was born. He just had unique gifts, but it did not make him stand out, in his own mind. Gwaine had special fighting skills, Merlin had his magic, to him that was the only difference.

He got off the bed and heaved himself up to the window and looked out, just as he did the night he had first arrived in Camelot. As he looked around he got lost in the magic that was flying around outside. How different it all seemed now to him, he could hardly believe what he was seeing. He smiled as he watched the scenes from the street. The man still enchanting the children outside with his magical puppet show. This was the life had had always dreamed about. A life where he could fully be himself, now it seemed that day had at last arrived.

“Merlin! Dinner‘s ready”

He turned his head to where Gaius was calling him from, and with a last happy stare, jumped onto the floor and headed back into the chambers. A nice smell of stew greeted him he was ready for this. How he had missed the comforts of home.

“I swear you’ve not eaten for a year.” Gaius remarked pouring him some water.

“Thank you. I probably didn’t eat as much as I should have.” Merlin admitted. “I could barely make myself live, never mind eat.”

“Merlin.” Gaius said softly.

“Sorry, I just felt it was my fault. If I had”

“If, if, if. We all have regrets.” Gaius remarked sadly. “Look at the world out there now Merlin. Magic is free again in Camelot I never thought I would see the day when that happened.”

“It certainly took me by surprise. I was told by someone that I would find Camelot to be a very different place.” Merlin remarked.

“Oh?” Gaius asked. “Who told you?” 

Merlin paused, not sure whether to tell Gaius about his meeting with Freya. He had promised Guinevere before no more secrets, but this was one thing he wanted to keep to himself, for him.

“Oh just someone I met in the forest when I was travelling back.” Merlin said avoiding the gaze of his mentor.

“Are you ready to talk about what happened?” Gaius asked gently.

“I couldn’t save him.” Merlin said quietly. “Morgana caught up with us, she took me by surprise and stunned me. Luckily I managed to walk around the back of her without her noticing. She was too busy taunting Arthur to see me.”

“What happened?” Gaius asked, letting him go at his own pace.

Merlin closed his eyes. “I used Arthur’s sword to kill her.”

Gaius looked at him for a few seconds. “She was a High Priestess; no mortal sword can kill her.”

Merlin looked at her. “Arthur too had a sword that was forged in a dragon’s breath.”

Gaius looked at Merlin. “I see.”

“I used it a few times.” Merlin admitted reading his mentor’s thoughts. “Morgana had frightened the horses away. We were still a short walk away from where we needed to be. I did my best to escort him, but he could barely move by then. He collapsed on the ground and couldn’t move. I called for the dragon he took us to the edge of Avalon, I just needed to get Arthur into the boat.”

Gaius looked at him gently his eyes full of compassion as his ward slowly recounted his tale. He put his hand over him.

“You know Arthur had said to me, all the power I possessed and yet I couldn’t save him.” Merlin sniffed tears in his eyes; he closed them for a second letting the tears drip down his face. “The dragon told me it was already too late there was nothing I could do. In my own mind I had failed Arthur and everyone else.”

“No Merlin, you’ve not failed anyone.” Gaius assured him rubbing his hand.

“That was what the dragon said and I didn’t believe him. He said all that you dreamt of building has come to pass.”

“It has, magic has come back to Camelot now Merlin. It would never of happened had you not met Arthur and started the process.”

“But Arthur is dead, Gaius I should have saved him.” Merlin said through his tears.

“My boy sometimes things just happen that you cannot do anything about, even someone like you.” Gaius. “No one here blames you, you must stop being so hard on yourself. You did everything you could for Arthur the most important thing now is what you do now.”

“I thought everyone would blame me.” Merlin sighed.

“Merlin you really have no idea how well thought off you are.” Gaius smiled sadly.

Suddenly the door flew open and before Merlin knew what had happened he was being hugged and spun around and around. It was only when he was put down on his feet he caught the smiling face of Gwaine.

“Gwaine, it’s good to see you too.” Merlin smiled.

“My god you turn up like a bad penny.” Gwaine grinned. “I’m so glad to see you, we were so worried.”

“It is good to be back.” Merlin smiled.

“I’m sorry I’m disturbing your reunion, I will catch you later.” Gwaine smiled.

“No I need some air, maybe you can come with me.” Merlin asked.

“Are you sure Gaius?” Gwaine checked.

“Off you go.” Gaius chuckled, just happy that Gwaine came along when he did.

*****  
Merlin and Gwaine chatted as they went outside, suddenly it was as though he’d never been away, as they laughed about Gwaine’s latest piece of trouble. Merlin realized as ever Gwaine would never change. Yet he knew he possessed special qualities of his own and Merlin knew he was entitled to an apology, which he was determined to give him.

They came to a quiet corner by the training field. The Knights were away doing other duties, so the pair of them relaxed lying down onto the grass. 

“Who’d of thought it then, my friend Merlin a sorcerer?” Gwaine said casually.

Merlin smiled it was so typical of Gwaine to make light of it.

“Yes hard to believe isn’t it?” Merlin smiled.

“You know Merlin I feared that the reason Morgana found you was my fault.” Gwaine said, unable to look his friend in the face. 

“What do you mean?” Merlin asked.

“Percy and I had gone after Morgana after Eira had been executed.” Gwaine said putting his head down.

“I’m sorry about that Gwaine. I know you really liked her.”

“I don’t think she was an evil person Merlin, just misguided.” Gwaine said sadly.

Merlin nodded. “What happened with Morgana?”

“Perce and I decided to go after Morgana, we knew where she was headed. Well to cut a long story short, she got hold of us and she I suppose the word is tortured us.”

“Oh Gwaine.” Merlin said appalled.

“She used some sort of snake on me, I don’t know what it was but it was agony. All of a sudden my will seemed to go in an instant. I gave away to her where you were heading too. I’m sorry Merlin if anything it is my fault what happened to Arthur not yours.” Gwaine explained, his eyes avoiding Merlin’s.

“No Gwaine it was not your fault. It’s Morgana’s she caused so much hurt to so many people. Arthur was beyond help by then anyway, so please do not blame yourself.” Merlin, said placing a hand on Gwaine’s shoulder. ”How did you recover if it was what I thought it was usually people die.”

“I was lucky as it happens. Percy was going to try and get me back to Camelot. But we actually met a woman, who was a healer. Very good too, she managed to cure me god knows what she used on me. By that stage I was well out of it, she told Perce I’d need a couple of day’s rest, so he went off to find you. Once he’d seen you he came back and took me back to Camelot.” Gwaine said, a small smile on his lips.

Merlin nodded suddenly appalled by what Gwaine had been through, he was just relieved his friend had survived his encounter with Morgana.

“Can I ask you something Merlin?” Gwaine asked after a pause.

“You can ask me anything.” Merlin said.

“That day we went to the Valley of the Fallen Kings, what was that about?” Gwaine asked. “There was something so different about you that day, I couldn’t work it out.”

“I’m glad you mentioned that, I owe you an apology Gwaine.” he said.

“Why?” Gwaine asked amazed.

“I should have trusted you when you asked me what we were doing there. You’d just saved my life it was the least I owed you. Morgana had sent this creature to Camelot, it robbed me of my magic.”

“You had no magic, I knew there was something wrong. You seemed so different.” Gwaine said slowly.

“I’d never been so vulnerable before. I always had my magic before to protect me, but I was totally alone. Just reliant on you, I was so scared Gwaine. When that bandit went for me I knew he’d kill me, if you didn’t get there first.”

“I can’t imagine how that must of felt Merlin.” Gwaine said looking at his friend closely.

“Thank you anyway, for saving my life, and I’m sorry I didn’t trust you enough to tell you.” Merlin said.

For a second they just looked at each other, both of them knowing that they could always rely on each other. Not for the first time Merlin felt emotion getting the better of him. But at least he now knew Gwaine would still treat him exactly as he always had done. That was all he wanted from now on.

“Hello stranger.”

A familiar voice sounded and Merlin jumped up smiling at a happy looking Percival.

“It is good to see you back here Merlin. We couldn’t find a trace of you when we were searching.”

“I’m afraid I covered up my tracks.” Merlin grinned.

“Welcome back Merlin.” Leon said. “We’d like to say thank you for everything you’ve done for Arthur and us. I reckon you saved us a fair few times.”

Merlin blushed shrugging. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes we do, we underestimated you Merlin and that was wrong. But we won’t now.” Percival assured him.

“Thank you I don’t want any special treatment though.” Merlin assured him. “We all have talents you have fighting skills I have magic it is no different. We all have our different qualities.”

“Gaius said you were a dragon lord though!” Leon said. “Is that true?”

Merlin looked at their amazed faces and smiled to himself. “Yes one of my powers is that I can control dragons.”

“How can you say that so casually?” Gwaine said. “Merlin my man you could so impress the ladies with that skill!”

“Gwaine.” Merlin laughed “I really don’t think that would be advisable.”

“I would say it more likely to frighten them away anyway.” Leon grinned.

“I can assure you that is one thing I will not be doing.” Merlin smiled. “I think I’d better be getting back to Gaius. But I’m really happy that you have all survived, thank you for all your kind words.”

The Knights patted him on the back and watched him slowly moving away back to the citadel. 

“What a man.” Gwaine breathed.

“I still can’t believe that you would suggest he used his dragon skills to get a lady.” Percival exclaimed looking at Gwaine questioningly.

“Why what lady wouldn’t be impressed by that?” Gwaine shrugged.

“Maybe that tells you something about the ladies you go for Gwaine.” Leon laughed.

“Meaning what?” Gwaine asked put his hands out.

“We’ll leave you to work that one out.” Leon laughed.

Leon and Percival walked off leaving a grinning Gwaine to his daydreams in the sun.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Merlin and Gwen have a talk about Arthur's last moments and also how about each of them are coping. This is very angsty between the two of them. It ends with Gwen asking a favour of Merlin.

Merlin awoke next morning, feeling somehow strange. For a year he had got use to sleeping outside by the lake, but now being inside again felt somehow claustrophobic. He slowly got out of bed pausing only to wash before making his way down the steps, where he could see Gaius already stirring the porridge.

“Sleep well?” Gaius asked a fond smile on his face.

“Yes even if it felt strange.” Merlin said helping himself to an apple.

“Strange?” Gaius questioned, dishing up the porridge into two bowls.

“I’ve got use to sleeping outside; it just felt natural somehow doing that.” Merlin tried to explain.

“What in the middle of winter?” Gaius asked raising an eyebrow at his ward.

“I did have some shelter then Gaius. I’m not a complete idiot.” Merlin smiled.

Gaius looked at him doubtfully. “Get this down you, you will feel better.”

“Thank you Gaius, this I have missed I must admit.” Merlin said smelling the porridge before devouring it.

“So what’s on for today?” Gaius asked watching him.

“I need to talk with Guinevere.” Merlin said.

“Are you sure you are up to this now?” Gaius asked concerned. “You’ve only just arrived back here.”

“I could give myself later in the week to do it.” Merlin replied starring into the distance. “But that is just putting it off Gaius. Guinevere deserves to know anyway, she’s been waiting long enough.”

Gaius paused before saying. “She has coped pretty well all in all.”

“She always was the strongest of us all.” Merlin replied thoughtfully. “Despite being a mighty warlock Gaius I know my human limitations now much better.”

“Everybody has those Merlin even Guinevere and me.” Gaius said putting his hand over Merlin’s.

“I just feel that getting it out might help me too. I feel ready for it now.” Merlin smiled.

“In that case my dear boy, I wish you well.” Gaius smiled sadly watching him leave. 

Gaius continued to sit at the table after Merlin had left thinking. He wasn’t as convinced about Merlin being ready for this, on the other hand he knew he was right about putting it off for too long. He realised now just how much damage Merlin had retained by keeping his magic secret for as long as he did. For that he was partly to blame, and Gaius felt bad about it. On the other hand his ward had come back a seemingly stronger person from his experience. But he knew it had left Merlin badly marked, and he worried about his future and what he’d be able to do. He just hoped that Guinevere could persuade him to do what she had in mind. It would completely revitalise Merlin’s life in the process and give him something to do that was worthwhile.

******  
Guinevere had just finished her breakfast when there was a knock on the door, and Merlin walked through it. Already he looked a bit more human, and she knew she’d been right to give him a day to settle back in, with plenty of tender loving care from Gaius.

“Hello Merlin you look a bit more rested, did you have a good night?” she asked inviting him to sit down.

“Yes though as I said to Gaius I’d been use to sleeping outside, so it seemed strange to be back inside again.” he smiled.

Guinevere looked at him for second and was struck by just how at peace he seemed when he spoke about his life before. She had imagined he had gone through nothing but sorrow and pain, yet on his face when describing his experiences she couldn’t help but almost envy the look of wonder and contentment.

For Guinevere it had been very different. From the moment she’d lost Arthur she had gained a completely new life. When she wasn’t ruling as Camelot’s sole monarch it was all she could do, to not fall apart the rest of the time. Being forced to play a part, she knew had left her damaged. She would always put on a brave face to everyone else, but deep inside she knew the cost to herself.

They continued for a while to make polite conversation, Guinevere knew though that this was part of the game. Both of them were purposely avoiding what they actually needed to talk about, it was as if by doing so it would finally bring it home to both of them the cold, hard truth of what had happened. Once there they would have no place left to hide. Guinevere knew it was probably best coming from her in the end so she tried to think of a natural way to bring it into the conversation.

“It seems strange now, but when I actually put it all together, the truth about you.” she began. “Somehow it all seemed to make sense.”

“In what way?” Merlin asked suddenly curious and a bit intrigued.

“I always knew there was something about you Merlin.” she smiled. “I knew from the moment that you stood up to Arthur that afternoon; when I first met you. There was something that made you stand out, in a way I couldn’t quite understand to begin with.”

Merlin smiled looking at his hands. “You’re not the first person I’ve heard say that.”

Guinevere smiled. “Yes I know; we spoke about it once. Arthur was always talking about you.” Guinevere noticed the solitary tear that shone in his eye at the mention of Arthur’s name.

“Probably not in a flattering way.” he laughed.

“I think you’d be surprised actually Merlin, he always had a high respect for you. We all did. I use to wonder why it was that I would ask you to bring him home safely when I knew sword fighting was never your forte. When I was waiting to hear from you it actually struck me that it was there staring me in the face the whole time. I just hadn’t put the pieces together.”

“Was that how you guessed?” Merlin asked quietly.

“No I think I learnt in the end from Gaius, he didn’t tell me but I read his look.”

Merlin looked at Guinevere genuinely puzzled.

“It was after the fighting at Camlann I realised. Gaius and I were watching the sorcerer up on the cliff. I knew from Gaius’s words that he knew him, and then at the end I saw from his look who he meant. He has a look Merlin which is meant just for you, only you. I could never describe it in words, but that was the time I realised later on that had told me.”

There was a brief pause while both of them took in what Guinevere had actually said. Guinevere herself reflected that even now Merlin was not aware of just how well thought of that he was. He still had the tendency to play down his every action as if it were nothing, compared to anyone else’s. 

She knew that was something she needed to address for his future. For too long he had been a sad prisoner watching from the shadows, Guinevere needed to change that now for his sake.

“I always suspected that you would guess in the end.” he smiled. “I think you were closer to doing it before.”

“Yes there were other occasions looking back that I realised pointed to it.” she admitted. “That time we were in that castle with the girl, when the Knights turned on us.”

“The Lamia you mean?” Merlin smiled suddenly remembering how Gaius had given him a full explanation on its history when they’d arrived back in Camelot.

“Is that what it was?” Guinevere asked a little smile on her lips.

“Gaius told me all about it. I remember that and all those awkward questions you began asking me.”

“You mean why were you not affected by it?” Guinevere laughed. “I remembered how strained you seemed answering the questions.”

“You seemed so close to working it out just then.” Merlin admitted reminiscing. “I just wanted to get away from all you’re questioning.”

“That’s what I thought too.” Guinevere laughed. “How did you carry on Merlin all the time, it can’t have been easy for you”

She noticed Merlin staring at his hands again, as if even now fearing the consequences of saying too much. She realised he’d spent his entire life hiding away from everyone he knew, protecting his secret and himself. She wondered how anyone could survive such loneliness like that.

“Merlin I really want to say you are not alone now, you don’t have to hide. No one will judge you, everyone knows how much you’ve done for this Kingdom and your friends. I’m sure there has been some hard decisions along the way too. But you don’t need to hide yourself anymore. I’m here and everyone else is here for you now, you need to try and stop burdening yourself.”

“That’s difficult Guinevere, when you’ve been doing it all your life. You get use to living that way, to hiding your true self. I could only show what was safe too, like I have always done.”

“It must be lonely doing that.” Guinevere remarked holding his stare.

“I once told someone that it was hard to be more powerful than anyone and yet have to live like a shadow. It’s true though I can’t deny that even now, now that my secret is known part of me still wants to live that way. It gives me solitude somehow, I feel safer. Suddenly everyone knows about my magic and it is like I’m somehow different. But I’m not Guinevere, magic is something that I’ve always had, it is me, to me I’m the same that I’ve always been. It is just others that see me differently now.”

Guinevere nodded, and took his hand it felt cold she tried to rub some warmth into it.

“I tried to explain that to Arthur, I’m not sure he understood. It was my destiny to help him Guinevere. Now that he’s gone I feel as though my life has too. All along everyone has told me that my job was to protect him, and I failed in that, I failed in my destiny.”

“Merlin stop it, you’ve not failed in anything. Look at the number of times you’ve brought Arthur home safely. I know nothing about your destiny, but I do know that you did everything you could to save Arthur. You should not see this as an end to your life, but the start of a new chapter. You think Arthur would have wanted that?” Guinevere asked him, drying his tears.

“He said that I should always be myself Guinevere. But I don’t know what that is now, I’ve been living a lie for so long I no longer have any direction in my life.”

“You just need something to replace it Merlin that is all, I’m sure we can think of something. Can I ask you something about this place where Arthur is?”

“I’m sorry of course you can ask me anything.” Merlin said sniffing.

“This place where Arthur is resting is it beautiful, what’s it like?” Guinevere asked revelling in actually at last being able to get an answer she’d been waiting for, for a long time to ask.

“It is beautiful Guinevere, you will love it. It is a huge lake with an ancient tower in the middle of it, which is where Arthur is resting.” 

“Resting?” Guinevere questioned confused suddenly.

“I need to tell you there is prophecy which says that once Albion’s greatest time is near, Arthur will rise again from this place. They say that he is just sleeping until that moment arrives. They call him the once and future King. I will take you there Guinevere and then you can see it for yourself.” Merlin promised.

“I would like that.” Guinevere smiled trying to take in Merlin’s words.

“They say that Arthur and I were two sides of the same coin. In a way I can accept that now, even if it feels so strange to be the only one of us left.”

“Merlin I think you were so busy protecting Arthur that you have forgotten how much you were loved by your other friends. Just because Arthur is no longer here, it doesn’t mean that you should no longer live a normal life. You should take the opportunity to do what you’d like; I think you have earned that now.”

Merlin smiled. “I suppose I do have a chance to do something else. I just don’t know where to start.”

Guinevere looked at him warily wanting to put an idea to him, but not wanting to pick the wrong moment. 

“I have a suggestion and I don’t need an answer straight away from you. But now that magic is free, I could do with an official advisor. I would love it to be you, as I don’t feel anyone is better qualified to do the job. But I don’t want to pressure you if you would prefer to do something else. Just take a few days to think about it.”

“A Court Sorcerer; now that is some responsibility Guinevere. I will naturally think it over, and thank you for the offer.” Merlin mused.

Guinevere smiled as she realised for the first time Merlin’s eyes were actually smiling this morning. She had no idea whether he even wanted to stay in Camelot but she knew she could certainly do with his help if he did. But first there was something else she knew she definitely wanted to do.

“Could you take me to Arthur’s resting place in the next couple of days please?” she asked.

“Of course if you feel ready.” Merlin smiled.

“I’m not sure I’ll ever feel ready, but I am sure it will help me accept it better.” Guinevere smiled back.

“You have always been the strongest of us Guinevere, but I’m sorry for making you wait so long.”

Guinevere shrugged. “The important thing is you’ve come back now.” 

There was silence that both were suddenly conscious off, Guinevere went over to hug him, and that was enough for both of them to suddenly break down together. All of a sudden Guinevere didn’t want to be the strong one anymore, and as their tears fell they comforted each other, content that only the other understood the loss that each felt for Arthur. 

Guinevere had no idea how long they had stayed this way, but by the time they had both reluctantly pulled apart she suddenly felt a positive feeling enter her mind. It was as if she’d been able to let everything go in these few moments. Suddenly she felt a bit stronger and more motivated to live and continue her new life. As she watched Merlin wipe away his own last tears, she just hoped that he had felt the same.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin briefly escapes Camelot, and goes into the forest, to think through his future options, and how life has changed since Arthur's death.
> 
> It also deals with the first part of the journey to Avalon, and Gwen learns more about Merlin and Arthur's life and also learns about Freya. 
> 
> As the journey continues Merlin wonders if he can manage to cope with the idea of going back, once more. His friends support him, and this chapter has a lot of bonding in it.

It was a sunny mid morning by the time Merlin forced himself to get up. Gaius was out visiting clients in the lower town. Merlin was quite happy for once to have the morning to himself as it would give him the opportunity to think about what Guinevere had said to him the day before. 

In truth he could not stop thinking about what she’d suggested. It was after all pretty much everything he had ever wanted, with the exception of one thing. He had not even mentioned the offer to Gaius, as yet. For one thing he guessed that he already knew though Gaius hadn’t said anything to Merlin. But he couldn’t help but notice the smile on his mentor’s face, as he greeted him back. Besides which Merlin wanted to decide for himself. 

In a way he was tempted to take it. What was it that Arthur had said to him, I want you to always be you Merlin. This way he could be just that, he could at last openly be Merlin. Although he would still have his secrets that he would have to keep from his friends. Some of the things that he’d done, some of the things that he’d still have to do.

As the depressing thought occurred he suddenly wondered if making a clean break wasn’t best for all concerned. Maybe start again somewhere new, where no one knew him. That way there would be no more lies, or half-truths, he could do the travelling that he always wanted to do, without fear about letting anyone down.

But just as he started to warm to the idea, suddenly the thought that by doing that he would be letting down his friends, entered his mind. He grabbed a piece of parchment and crumpled it into a ball. As he continued to think he threw it from one hand to the other his mind still no clearer. In the end he threw it to the ground in frustration and closed his eyes.

Suddenly he felt tired as if making a decision was just too much effort for him. He longed to go back to sleep and curl up into a ball, and hope that the world would forget about him. In two days he would be taking Guinevere to Avalon, to see Arthur’s resting place, but he felt a complete and utter mess. For her sake he had to be strong, but in truth it felt like the last thing he wanted to do.

Feeling angry with himself he threw his chair back and decided to go outside for a walk, to clear his head. With no idea of where he was heading too he walked out into   
the sunshine and into the courtyard outside. 

There were people with stalls out, it was one of Guinevere‘s ideas. It was her way of involving ordinary people even more into court life. Some of the Lords had at first objected, but as usual she had negotiated her way around their objections. Now it was a regular occurrence on Monday, and everyone now seemed at ease with it.

As Merlin walked between the stalls he couldn’t help but notice the reaction from people towards him. Once in a while he would recognise fear on some peoples faces. But for the most part there seemed to be a mostly smiles towards him. It was as if the people looked on him with pride, and respect. It made him feel suddenly happy in a strange way.

As he made for a stall selling herbs, suddenly a little voice sounded below him.

“Is it true that you are a mighty warlock?”

Merlin bent down and noticed a little girl with dark hair tied in ponytails, looking up at him seriously.

He smiled. “I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I see myself as--” Merlin paused for a second trying to find the right word to use. “I see myself as an ordinary man, with special powers.”

The girl cocked her head to the side as if considering his words for a moment.

“But they say you are a dragon lord as well.” she sighed. “That you can fly high into the skies among the stars.”

Merlin laughed at the way her eyes dazzled with excitement as she spoke. It reminded him that there was a time when he had the same reaction to his magic. All of a sudden he wondered where that wonder had actually gone. As he stared at the girl, he wondered if that feeling would ever return to him.

“Bronwen, come over here.” 

Merlin stood up as the little girl ran over to her mother, he could hear the girl telling her mother all about the mighty warlock she’d just met. He laughed to himself and continued on his way. Suddenly he thought of a place that he could go too. He made his way into the Darkling Woods and towards the old Oak tree that had been there for centuries.

He found a little sheltered place to sit underneath, and relaxed. Here he was away from the hustle and bustle of life down in the lower town and the citadel. He was no longer the warlock that everyone looked at, but just himself. There were no barriers that he needed to put up to protect himself, in these moments. Just the contentment of being who he was, a person just like everyone else.

He put his head back and gazed up at the branches above him. Everything here was so natural to him. He could feel his magic resting happily inside him, he could feel peace in his world. For once no images flashed through his mind, leaving him on edge and guilty. He closed his eyes enjoying the peace and tranquillity. 

Was it just that solitude now suited him best he wondered? Yet as he sat there thinking about it, he knew ultimately he wasn’t actually living, merely existing. He knew deep down that somehow he had to learn to once more live again, that was the challenge he faced now whether he accepted Guinevere’s offer or not. For a moment he wondered if he had the courage to find out. He gradually drifted into a restful sleep.

When he’d woken up a few hours later he could sense that evening was beginning to appear. Tomorrow he would be taking Guinevere to Avalon to show her Arthur’s resting place, but curiously he no longer dreaded the thought of it. He suddenly felt as if a load had been taken off his shoulder. Was it merely the fact that now he realised what he had to do? For the first time since Arthur’s death he realised that there was indeed another path for him to follow?

He decided he’d done enough thinking for one day, and he gingerly got up and made his way back into Camelot.

*******  
Next Day

It was a sunny day when Guinevere awoke, her maid had brought her breakfast early. Merlin had said they needed an early start if they were to reach Avalon by tomorrow afternoon. She started her day as if she was in a daydream, somehow it didn’t seem quite so real. She no longer felt afraid at the prospect of visiting her husband’s resting place. She felt if anything relieved that the moment had now arrived.

For so long she had wondered of where he rested, but in truth she’d been so busy running the Kingdom, it was usually just a passing thought. But recently her wish to know was becoming more than just a thought, and more of a necessarily. She felt only by seeing it could she truly move on in her life. She knew that there would come a day when the Lords would demand that she re-marry. Camelot still needed an heir after all, someone who could succeed her, and keep the Saxon’s from the Kingdom’s borders.

She hoped by seeing the place, that she would truly know that he was somehow at peace, and then she could truly face the harder decisions that she needed too. Merlin had assured her it was a beautiful place, but she needed to see it for herself as well. She suddenly felt a restless urge to be there as fast as possible.

 

A couple hours later Guinevere, Merlin and the Knights had left the Courtyard. As she rode through the forest Guinevere felt at ease, and she was pleased to see Merlin looking happy as well.

“Have you given my idea any thought lately?” she asked curiously.

“In truth I’ve done little else then think about it.” Merlin admitted to her.

“I’m trying to gauge whether that is a good thing or not.” Guinevere laughed.

“You’ll have to wait and see.” Merlin smiled.

“How does it feel Merlin to be riding with us Knights again?” Gwaine asked.

“It’s really good Gwaine, never thought I’d be doing this again.” Merlin laughed with a wink.

“Or us, at one stage I didn’t think we’d see you again.” Percival remarked.

Merlin nodded. “Yes I thought pretty much the same at one time.”

“You’re back among us now; I’d like to think you’d stay awhile.” Leon said gently.

“I’m sure Merlin will let us know when he’s ready.” Guinevere smiled, making sure Merlin had eye contact with her.

“Looking forward to your delicious stews again Merlin.” Gwaine grinned.

“We could of brought Glynn you know, he is a good apprentice.” Leon said.

“Well I thought it would be nice to get back into it again. I know you all loved my stews the number of times you’d eat mine!” Merlin said looking at the Knights with narrowed eyes.

“Tell me you didn’t!” Guinevere said looking at the Knights in turn.

“No of course not.” Gwaine assured her hurt in his voice. “We always saved Merlin a bite to eat!”

“That will not happen tonight.” Guinevere said as if daring the Knights to argue with her.

Merlin raised his eyebrows at the Knights as they rode on. As the banter between the Knights continued Merlin’s mind suddenly went back in time. Suddenly he recognised parts of the journey he did with Arthur. As he did so, the images came back for a minute. He closed his eyes willing them away, not wanting to be a prisoner to them again. He made an effort at keeping up with the bantering, but it was no good.

He suddenly saw the spot where he had lit the fire using his magic, where he had insisted to Arthur that he was still the same person that he’d always been. He begged it to go away, to leave him in peace. But as he rode on hearing the Knights chatting away in the distance, the images increased. As he looked ahead he remembered the dragon he’d showed Arthur that night blocking his sight.

Before he could stop it he had said out loud “No.” 

“Merlin?” Guinevere said looking at him warily. “Are you okay?”

“Can we take a break?” Merlin said suddenly desperate to get his wits about him again.

“Of course we can, providing you tell me what is bothering you?” Guinevere said.

“I’m fine.” Merlin tried to assure her.

“Merlin you have always been a rotten liar.” Guinevere said. She then turned to Leon. “Leon we are going to stop here.” 

“Okay I think the horses need a rest anyway.” Leon said bring his horse to a stop.

“I bet there is somebody else here who could do with the rest.” Gwaine grinned looking over at Merlin a sarcastic smile on his face.

Guinevere looked at Merlin questioningly. 

“Yes thank you Gwaine. He is casting aspirations on my riding.” Merlin said attempting a smile onto his pale face.

Guinevere laughed. “Is that all, I shouldn’t worry. There are certain things that Gwaine isn’t good at.”

“Well more than a few things.” Percival laughed.

“Like what?” Gwaine asked his male pride now stinging.

“If I was you I’d give up this conversation.” Leon smiled. “It could get very embarrassing for you.”

The Knights continued their banter, while this went on Guinevere walked away to sit down by a tree, encouraging Merlin to follow her. They both sat down resting against a long log.

“You are seeing flashbacks aren’t you?” Guinevere asked him.

“Yes.” Merlin admitted not even surprised that she had guessed. 

“It’s natural Merlin it’s bound to happen, it happens to me a lot as well, sometimes in places I least expect.”

“It was here that Arthur suggested that I used magic.”

“How did he react when you told him?” Guinevere asked

“At first he didn’t believe me, it was only when I showed him my magic that he did.” Merlin said softly, his hand holding a twig that he scraped on the ground. “Then when he realised he withdrew from me. It was like he didn’t want me to be there with him.” Merlin shivered at the memory.

“Merlin.” Guinevere said, taking his other hand and squeezing it softly. “It must have been really upsetting for you.”

Merlin shrugged. “I tried to not be too upset, but the emotion came tumbling out of me, I don’t know how I kept it together.”

Guinevere gently stroked his arm nodding at him to continue, determined to persuade him to let it all out.

“I thought he’d never speak to me, luckily Gaius was there and he persuaded him to let me take him to Avalon. It was a while before he spoke to me normally, and by the time I’d killed a couple of Saxons who were on the verge of capturing us, it was as though he felt he didn’t know me anymore.”

“That must have been hard, for both of you. He would have been hurting that’s all.” Guinevere said softly.

“What about you?” Merlin asked suddenly curious. “What did you think really?”

“My first thought was pride; I knew there was something special about you Merlin. Once I was pretty sure all I had to do was extract the truth from Gaius, which as ever was not easy.” she smiled. 

“Can I ask you a question? Where you scared when you realized; about me being a sorcerer?” Merlin wondered suddenly desperate to know.

“No.” Guinevere said with certainty. “I think it was because it was you. I knew you would never have done anything bad.”

Guinevere saw Merlin’s face crumple his eyes clouding over with self-loathing suddenly.

“Oh I don’t doubt that you’ve had to do things you were not comfortable with Merlin.” she said. “I’m not going to even pretend to think that I know what you went through, but I want you to know, whatever you did I won’t ever think badly about you.”

Merlin shook his head, tears making his eyes shine.

“Not ever I mean it Merlin.” she said making him face her and gently wiping his tears away.

“I killed Morgana.” he said simply trying to keep control, as he felt regret and anger building inside him, whenever he thought about her. “I should have helped her more.” 

“So should I.” Guinevere said. “When she caught me and held me prisoner in that tower, she told me about her being imprisoned by The Sarum, her and the dragon. Despite everything that she’d done, in that moment all I could feel for her was pity. I even blamed myself for not doing more when she was still at Camelot. We were once like sisters, even now it hurts to remember how much we grew apart.”

“It is not your fault; I was in more of a position to help her.” Merlin said sadly.

“Merlin you cannot go on blaming yourself for everything, other people make choices too, it is never down to just you. Even if you had helped her, who is to say the same thing would not still have happened? She was so unhappy in Camelot, I doubt anything would have helped her by then.”

“When I killed her I’ll never forget that look she had on her face, once she’d got over the shock of knowing she was going to die. It was as if she became a different person suddenly, as if all the anger and the bitterness inside her had disappeared, just for one moment. I will never forget that as long as I live.”

“I think you doing that; put her out of her misery.” Guinevere sighed. 

“She had frightened away the horses so I had to drag Arthur over to Avalon for the rest of the way. By then it was too late to save him, I couldn’t face leaving the place I just wanted to stay with him and Freya.”

“Who is Freya?” Guinevere asked curiously.

Merlin looked as if the stuffing had been knocked out of him, for a few seconds he just sat there a shocked expression on his face. He could feel all his colour drain from his face suddenly. He had never had the chance to tell anyone about the girl he’d lost all those years ago. But as he stared at Guinevere’s worried face he realised this was the time to maybe put that right.

“I met her when I was at my lowest ebb in Camelot. Arthur didn’t seem to be trusting me as much as I would have liked, my confidence was low. I felt as if no one would ever know the real me, that I would have to keep my magic a secret forever. Then one night when Gaius and I were on our way back from visiting a patient, I saw her. She was beautiful.”  
He smiled, the smile transforming his features.

“She was in a cage.” Merlin explained.

Guinevere gasped repeating Merlin as if not believing. “She was in a cage?”

“She was a Druid who’d been caught by a bounty hunter who was going to sell her. She looked so lost, Guinevere, she looked like I felt at that time. It was like coming across a kindred spirit, I felt as if I’d met my true love.”

“Oh Merlin what happened?” Guinevere asked knowing in her heart that it was not going to be good.

“To cut a long story short, she’d been cursed by a sorceress. Cursed to kill at midnight, she tried so hard to fight it. I wanted to leave Camelot with her, but she ran away because she didn’t want me to lose my life at Camelot. She ended up being cornered in the court yard by the Knights. That is where she died. I took her to the lake at Avalon and buried her there. She always had a love for lakes and mountains.” he smiled.

“I don’t know what to say.” Guinevere said sadly. “I wished you’d told me, I thought we were so close back then.”

“That was my fault, not yours.” Merlin admitted sadly. “There was so much I wish I could have told you back then.”

“No wonder you didn’t want to come back to Camelot.” Guinevere said.

“Well tomorrow we will both be able to visit the lake, you will love it the whole place is so beautiful.”

Guinevere smiled suddenly restless to get there at last and see this place for herself that Merlin spoke so tenderly about. 

“I think we should maybe rest here for the night and carry on early tomorrow.” Guinevere said.

“It’s as good as place as any.” Merlin smiled.

Before long they were round a fire with the Knights eating stew and reminiscing about the earlier days of their quests and adventures. Guinevere smiled as she listened to their exciting chatter about the golden days. She suddenly felt as if Arthur was alive again and living inside their stories. For the first time in ages he seemed real to her in both her mind and memory.

She kept a close eye on Merlin who was chatting to Gwaine and doing his best to enter into the spirit of the occasion. Not for the first she felt sad and angry for him. She felt sad for everything that he had lost in his time; and angry because while he was going through it alone; she was totally unaware about it. How could she have been so blind to his suffering she wondered? She sighed, if he agreed to take the job she vowed things would be very different, never again would he suffer alone and in solitude she would see to that.

A couple of hours later the Knights had fallen asleep, Guinevere waited until Merlin too had lain down attempting to sleep. She stayed with him as he closed his eyes stroking his hair until his breathing became regular then she too succumbed to an exhausting and emotional sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They party continues its way to Avalon everyone with their own hopes and thoughts. The chapter deals with their stop at Avalon, and Gwen sees the resting place of Arthur and Freya.
> 
> Merlin gives his answer to Gwen's suggestion.

By the time the party had started up the next day, the sun was beating down hard, making Merlin feel almost short of breath. Today he seemed to feel thirsty permanently, which he could also sense in his horse whom snorted at regular intervals. Merlin put his hand over the horse’s head attempting to calm him down, the day would get ever hotter, and he just hoped they would make good progress quickly.

“You seemed to sleep well last night.” Guinevere remarked to him.

“Yes I did I felt quite refreshed this morning, the best sleep I have had in ages.” Merlin admitted, though he’d only just realised the fact himself.

“Good you have needed it.” Guinevere said a twinkle in her eyes.

“What about you? Take you back to when you were little?” Leon asked grinning.

“Ah yes the times spent under the stars, with Leon standing guard.” Guinevere giggled.

The other Knights and Merlin looked at Leon with interest demanding more explanation.

“Well someone had to protect the future Queen of Camelot.” Leon shrugged a misty look in his eyes as he smiled.

“Of course it just had to be you.” Gwaine laughed. “I bet you sent the other guards on a five day quest just so you could do the honour.”

“I am not as devious as you Gwaine.” Leon said trying to retain his dignity. “Such a thing would not ever have occurred to me.”

The others sniggered, while Guinevere rolled her eyes.

“How much longer do you reckon it will take Merlin?” Guinevere asked suddenly.

“A few more hours we should make it by afternoon.” Merlin replied looking around.

Merlin by now recognised the route. Not only that it seemed that the images that had been haunting him were no longer playing on his mind. He wondered were the peace had suddenly come from, he was presently feeling, but he wasn’t about to argue with it. He rode on revelling in the joking Knights beside him, giving as good as he got when he needed to.

It felt strange in truth to be here among them, naturally Arthur’s absence was on everyone’s mind. But like everyone else he put a brave face on it, being sad was not going to bring the King back now. This trip he knew was about the beginning of the rest of their lives. Once his friends had seen Avalon then Arthur’s work could continue, until the day that he rose from his sleep once more.

Suddenly for the first time Merlin could see the ancient tower up ahead, and he called out.

“There you can just see the tower.” he smiled. “That’s Avalon. We will be there in no time now.”

Seeing Avalon always relaxed Merlin like no other place. The whole forest the way his magic reacted to the environment, how his magic soared inside him relaxing him, the thought of soon being in the place where his love and best friend now lay. The fact that for the first time he could show this to his friends, and hope that it would help them to move on. 

He smiled at Guinevere, who was looking up ahead seeming as if she was fighting her emotions as she did so. He just hoped Avalon would give her the peace and tranquillity that it always gave him. 

“Follow me.” he said softly as he urged his horse towards it. There was relative silence for the last stretch of the journey. It was almost as if everyone sensed the solitude about the place they were now entering. Although the birds sang in the trees their songs were almost melancholy in sound, encouraging the belief that this was indeed a special place.

Merlin stopped his horse by the edge of the trees and dismounted. It was here that he had dragged Arthur onto the grass. He would never forget that hopeless journey that ended with them falling onto the ground ahead, and his last conversation with his friend. Where Arthur had thanked him for everything he had done for the King and Camelot, where Arthur had ruffled his hair. He closed his eyes briefly as he remembered his own desperate cries for the dragon.

As if sensing his pain Guinevere had moved over to him and held his hand. The compassion on her face reminding him not for the first time why she had remained such a close friend over the years. She had always been there when he had needed it, and even though at times he had pushed her and his other friends away, here they still remained resolutely at his side even now. He knew that from now on he had try and change his behaviour. 

He had hidden so much of himself over the years that even now he used it as almost a protection. He suddenly realised that from now on he had a chance to change that, if only he could alter the habit of a lifetime. It would be difficult he knew as hiding in the shadows had become a habit to him. But by now he also understood that keeping secrets rarely led to good things happening. Now was an opportunity for a different life. But first he had to allow his friends to close the door to their old life.

“You ready?” he asked Guinevere noticing the first sign of tears in her eyes.

“Yes, I’m ready.” she had answered attempting a smile and squeezing his hand.

They slowly walked down the grass towards the shimmering lake up ahead, the Knights following at a respectful distance. With every step Merlin and Guinevere stared around taking in more of the scene. The trees that overhung the lake, the flowers blowing in the breeze, the birds that seemed to be singing in harmony all around. But more than that it was the feel of the place, this was a place where the soul could truly rest in peace.

“I placed him in a boat, gave him a blessing and sent the boat on its way over to the Isle.” Merlin whispered to Guinevere softly.

“It must have been so difficult for you.” Guinevere said dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

“The hardest day I’ve had to live through.” Merlin admitted, and he’d had a few of those he thought to himself. But then so had Guinevere, so had everyone here, there had been much suffering over the years. “But I can promise you he was totally in peace, and he loved you very much he told me so.”

Guinevere nodding silently the tears now running freely down her face.

“I’ll give you some time to yourself.” Merlin said patting her hand. “Oh I picked you some flowers before.” Merlin gave her some lovely white flowers, she took them gratefully.

“Thank you.” she whispered.

As she felt Merlin leave her Guinevere looked ahead at the ancient tower in the middle of the lake. There Arthur rested she hoped he had indeed found peace, what was it that Merlin had called him, the once and future King. There were so many more questions she longed to ask him about that. But it had never felt like the right time to ask, not until she’d seen his resting place.

As she stood there at the water’s edge the wind softly caressed her hair, and for a moment she could hear Arthur calling her name. It was almost as if he was right in front of her, his blue eyes smiling holding his hands out to her. She closed her eyes longing for that moment to last for as long as she could make it. 

She put the flowers down on the edge of the water, and watched as the petals flew into the lake, causing slight ripples as it did so. Suddenly the scent overcame her senses and she breathed in feeling happy and relaxed.

At last she’d been granted the goodbye that fate had denied them. She had no idea how long she had stood there, she just knew that never before did a place seem more natural or tranquil to her whole being. She could rest now in the safe knowledge that her husband was indeed resting in the best possible place. A place of beauty and peace, a place she hoped that she too would rest in some day, when she’d finished Arthur’s work.

She turned around to see Merlin sitting at the water’s edge a little way from her. She walked over quietly pausing before speaking.

“Freya?” she said softly.

He looked up a watery smile on his face. “Um.” he sighed. “I wish you two could have met, you’d have got on really well.”

“I wish I could as well.” Guinevere smiled. “It’s a beautiful place Merlin this is where I want to lie as well.”

“Don’t worry you and Arthur will meet again one day.” Merlin promised slowly getting up.

“What about you?” she whispered softly.

“I have a different path to follow in life.” he replied looking straight ahead.

Guinevere stared at him wondering what he meant but decided this was not the moment for a question. The two of them spent a couple of minutes by the water’s edge together taking in the sounds of nature around them, watching the ripples of the lake rise and fall.

“So this is Arthur’s resting place then.” Gwaine asked looking about him. “This will be far too quiet for him you know.”

“You think it should in the middle of the bar then Gwaine.” Guinevere asked.

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Gwaine smiled. “Actually it’s lovely.” he hugged the Queen softly.

“You are not wrong.” she smiled patting his shoulder.

In the space of a few days they’d come through much, but only one thing stood true to them all. Life was constant, and there was much still to do, and little time to do it in. But now that they knew Arthur was indeed resting in the best place possible, now was the time for the everyone else to make their mark on their world. 

As Guinevere turned back for one last look at the lake, she remembered a saying her father loved. Life is what you make it Guinevere, he had told her, and she was determined that from now on she would continue on Arthur’s work and change things for the better, and make Arthur proud. Suddenly the world seemed a simpler place to her now.

Upon returning to their horses Merlin caught up with Guinevere keeping his voice low.

“I think you deserve an answer to the question.” he said.

“Only when you are ready to give it Merlin.” she assured him.

“I am I would like to become the Court Sorcerer and help you to continue Arthur’s work.” he said with a grin. “I’ve thought about it a lot, am I right in thinking it will involve a lot of travelling?” 

“Absolutely you will be my eye on the whole Kingdom, any problems brewing I hope you will be able to investigate. It won’t be easy there are still some who mistrust magic, especially in the outlining villages, but I feel you are the best placed person to deal with that.”

Merlin nodded “Of course, I have always been a diplomat, anyone who can spend ten years as the prat’s I’m sorry Arthur’s servant I would say is extremely well suited to the position.”

Guinevere laughed. “Yes indeed Merlin don’t push it I’m not Arthur.”

“Is that a warning?” he grinned.

“You’d better wait and see.” Guinevere grinned as she mounted her horse.

Merlin laughed to himself as he mounted and with one last look at Avalon, he started on his brand new journey.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camelot begins a new era. Merlin is made Gwen's Court Sorcerer and is reunited with an important person in his life.

The door to the throne room opened and a very nervous looking Merlin walked in slowly. He had suffered a two day wait before the offical announcement. All of a sudden everything had gone quiet since their arrival back in Camelot. So much so, that Merlin was wondering if Guinevere was, having second thoughts. For two days he’d been worrying and driving Gaius mad with his worrying. But now suddenly the day was here.

Up ahead Queen Guinevere stood in a radiant blue dress, off the shoulder her hair running down her back. She stared straight on watching Merlin getting closer. She was so glad she had managed to persuade him to wear the majestic blue cloak she’d had especially made for the occasion. It made him look distinguished even if he insisted he would still wear his red neckerchief, which rested above the top of the garment.

Leon, Gwaine and Percival led a small audience, which included Gaius and a well hidden Hunith, determined not to spoil her son’s big moment by making herself obvious. She dabbed at her eyes with a hankie leaning on Gaius who wore a look of father like pride on his face as he tenderly watched the scene.

Merlin went down on his knees in front of Guinevere. She paused before picking up the sword and gently touching Merlin on each shoulder.

“I name you Merlin, Camelot’s Court Sorcerer and Chief Advisor to me Queen Guinevere. I say this in full view of my most trusted Knights and friends.”

Merlin slowly got up, an emotional smile on his face, even now not quite believing the turn his life had just taken. 

“I thank you for the honour my lady. I swear I will serve you and Camelot to the best of my ability, for as long as I am needed.”

For a second Merlin and Guinevere shared a warm smile, before Merlin turned around and acknowledged the Knights whom all bowed to him, an act that almost made Merlin squirm. But there was one person missing and suddenly he looked around for him. To his relief he saw Gaius in the shadows a little way away. But there was also someone else behind him, who was it Merlin wondered breathlessly.

Then suddenly Hunith stepped out from behind Gaius a huge proud smile on her face as she regarded her son. 

“Mother!” Merlin cried out looking almost dazed. All at once he didn’t care if he’d just been made Sorcerer and Chief Advisor he ran over to her and before long mother and son were in a loving embrace.

“Look at you look at you my son. Chief Advisor to the Queen, who’d of thought it.” Hunith sighed unable to keep the tears from falling. 

“Did you not think I was good enough?” Merlin sighed trying to make a joke of it.

“Never my boy I always knew you were destined for special things.” Hunith cupped his face between her hands kissing him on the head. “I am so proud of you.”

“As am I.” Gaius said giving him a hug of his own.

Suddenly it dawned on Merlin. “This was why it was delayed wasn’t it you were arranging this.”

“You didn’t really think we would leave your mother out of this did you Merlin?” Guinevere asked rolling her eyes at her Court Sorcerer, for a mighty warlock he could be dense on occasion she thought lovingly to herself.

“Thank you, I should have known better.” Merlin smiled. “I would just like to say thank you to everyone here. This means more to me than I can express, for the first time I can feel my life beginning again, and that is thanks to everyone in this room. I won’t forget it and I promise I will serve Camelot and all of you well.”

Before he had a chance to say anything else, Gwaine gave him a manly hug.

“Merlin my friend it is you we need to thank, I’m just glad you had the common sense to stay.” Gwaine said. “Besides which you owe me a round or two in the Tavern.”

“Of course.” Merlin said nodding. “I just knew you wouldn’t forget the last time we were out drinking!”

“Actually I had to carry you home too.” Percival grimaced. “So”

“Anything to say Leon?” Merlin wondered folding his arms.

“Well I did have to apologise to the owner for that song you sang.”

“Song? What song?” Guinevere asked.

The Knights and Merlin stared at her. “Well let’s just say it wasn’t quite appropriate for the cliental that particular night!” Leon explained with a grin.

Gaius stared and raised his eyebrow at Merlin making the warlock blush a mighty red colour on his face. Suddenly he was ready to make an excuse.

“This maybe a good time for you and your mother to have a word in private.” Guinevere grinned enjoying Merlin’s embarrassment, and knowing there would probably not to be too many other opportunities.

Suddenly Merlin was only too happy to leave the scene.

“Yes of course, thank you for that.” He bowed to her and began escorting Hunith from the room.

“Merlin I expect you to be here for the official announcement tonight.” Guinevere said making sure he listened.

“There isn’t any chance I could -”

“No Merlin there isn’t. Make sure you are here at seven o’clock sharp.” Guinevere said looking at him intently.

“Of course, right on the dot.” he smiled over his shoulder just relieved to have left the room now.

The Knights followed him out of the room leaving Guinevere with Gaius they both chuckled.

“He’ll never learn.” Gaius said shaking his head.

“No I don’t suppose he will. I don’t want you thinking that just because he is my chief Advisor there is no place for you Gaius. I have been very grateful for the help you have given Arthur and me down the years.”

“Thank you, I will naturally help where I can.” Gaius smiled. “I’m just glad you persuaded him to stay.”

“I’m not sure what did that, but we have much work to do yet. I am just glad that I have the right people surrounding me now.” Guinevere smiled.

Gaius nodded, then bowed his head. “Yes indeed.”

As Guinevere heard the door shut behind Gaius she moved over to the window, she could sense the excitement building outside. She knew there would still be battles to win, but now she had the right people on her side, she suddenly began feeling excited for the first time, over what lay ahead. 

From tonight she could truly face the future that fate had left her with, with confidence. No more being afraid of tomorrow, as it was the start of the rest of their lives. 

The End.


End file.
